I really, really love your blog, you are seriously the best blog I follow. I love how you don't post just cute and pretty pictures, but you talk about yourself too. too many blogs just "post up and shut up", you know? I'd rather learn about someone than have an endless stream of cute photos on my dash all the time. You have such a sweet and great personality and I'm honored that someone as awesome as you follows me <3
:’) <3 Thank you so so much. This message has made my day entirely a lot better! I’m so blessed to have someone with such a wonderful blog, and such a wonderful follower message me things like this, not to mention follow me. :)
i just read that whole post aout you and andrew...WOW! im so sorry
It’s quite alright, things happen. People change. He wasn’t for me no matter how much I wanted him. And I wasn’t for him. I hope he can find someone who can make him happy in the long run, all hes been through he deserves it.
I apologize though, to all my blog readers and followers for these posts :P Im sure you don’t want to be reading about my love life.
Hey i just read your post about Andrew, may i ask? what happened between you two? sorry if thats really nosy and i know its none of my business its just that post really made me think about what i have xx
No no, its alright. I’m glad you took the time to read my post :) This’ll be a little long, Im gonna have to go back “in time” a little if you dont mind :P
We met back in 2010, over silly Myspace. And thats kinda where it all started. He had a girlfriend, I wanted someone to talk to. We talked here and there, and I gradually began not using my Myspace as much. He messaged me saying “You’re never on anymore?! Dx” and from there, I gave him my number and we began texting. We’d text from day and night, to be honest I never thought much of it, or him at first. Then one day he told me he had feelings for me, and I questioned him “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” and his reply was “Yes, but I can’t help but fall for you..” I brushed that aside, until he asked if I had feelings for him as well. I replied that I did, and I remember his excited replies :P. But what was I to make of it? He had a girlfriend, and I was just his friend. Weeks into our friendship, we began camming on a site called “Meebo.” Every night, he’d ask me to get on so he could see me, since we were so far to be able to go see one another face to face. It was the only way. He’d tell me I was beautiful, we shared burdens we never thought we’d be able to tell anyone. One night while we were sharing our stories, he told me “Naly, you and I both know pain. And we both deserve love. And maybe.. just maybe.. you could be my love?.. and I could be yours?..” and nothing has ever stuck to me like that did for me. Around that time his girlfriend and him broke up, due to mutual feelings and what not. I can’t say I wasn’t happy, and its terrible saying that to be honest. We began camming more and more, and I remember on December 10th,2012 he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then on Christmas day, he told me he loved me. I could’ve easily said that day that I was the happiest girl in the world. Then came the problems. He’d always be too busy to talk to me. He’d get angry and stressed and take it out on me. We questioned love like there was no tomorrow. Then on New Years, January 1st,2011, we broke it off. Or well, I did. He called me selfish. He said he was always so busy because he was working shifts to come see me. But for some reason I didnt want that, I didnt want him to strain himself. Just talking made me happy, though seeing him wouldve made my world.
January 10th, 2011 we gave it another shot. This time the arguments were even worse. I can assure you he left me countless times, do to him trying to “protect himself” and his stressful days where he’d think I was better off without him. I was tired, drained, I began talking to this guy named Blake who took all my worries away. Sooner or later I began having feelings for Blake. Andrew caught on to it, and he got even more angry, and one day.. he texted me telling me he was going to commit suicide if I didnt make my choice. And I didnt. And then came the harassment texts from his older brother telling me I had to choose between them, it was either Andrew and I never talked to blake again, or it was blake and i was blocked forever from Andrews life. Ive never been so upset in my life. Where physical harm seemed like a good thing to do. And honestly its never brought more bad memories to me by just looking at myself. And to be honest, suicidal thoughts were on BOTH of our minds, silly how “love” can affect people so easily.. I was depressed for those couple months, I’d get that sick feeling in my stomach every fight, every minute of silence, and my stomach would give in. I had constant headaches, I even would miss some days at school BECAUSE of how devastated I’d be after every. single. fight… My friends even caught on, I’d come to school after being gone, and I’d be bomborded with just hugs. Can’t count enough how many times I’ve cried at school because of him, it was pathetic almost.. We stopped talking after that. And he broke it off with me the day before Valentines day. I was so tired. So done. Then came the drama of Andrew coming back and screwing with my emotions I had with blake. Blake left. And Andrew and I had another go. Which was around September of 2011. Andrew would tell me he loved me every night, would sing me to sleep every night each would be Go Radio songs. They’d all have a meaning though, whether it’d be saying how hard it is to keep this going, how hes sorry,etc, but I wouldnt tell him I loved him. I couldn’t and I wouldnt. Because every time I thought of loving him I was scared hed leave me like those countless times. I had abandonment issues, and he didn’t help them. I was so… vulnerable. It wasn’t his fault though.. I had no backbone at the time. He promised me though, that if I could get only ONE thing out of our relationship, it’d be for me to have a backbone. The times he’d call me foul things like “Youre the stupid bitch who wont get me out of her head lol” in order to help me “get over” him. I never did tell him I loved him since then. And i regret it, because I did, because I do.
Things between Andrew and I had gotten better around his birthday, August 30th, I baked him a cake and surprised him with it on webcam. I made it pink especially, he dislikes pink. :P He’d tell me daily how much he wished I had loved him again. How much he loves me, and how much i meant to him. But i wouldnt budge. At around October 14th, It was my birthday and I blew out the candles with my friends holding onto my laptop while Andrew was on webcam singing along. That was the happiest day ever for me, because my friends never approved of Andrew. They always assumed of him as a manipulating jerk who was toying with me all along. I never wanted to believe them, I never wanted to believe such negative things about someone I loved. I mean.. who would? We always had stupid little arguments, and I always think about them. We fought because we were so tired of not being able to see one another. We were so tired of the silences between us… Where the fights were us talking more than usually.. It hurts to admit it, but it seems as if we were almost love sick. That day, he had been texting my friends through my phone, telling them if anyone had hurt me, let alone touched me, they’d have to go through him first, because I was his love, I was his everything. But.. what if that person who was the only one “hurting” me.. was him? :/
December 30th, 2011, we argued about him not wanting to admit to me being his girlfriend whatsoever, well honestly it was more of us arguing because he acted as if he was ashamed to talk about me or “show me off” to his friends, and he told me goodnight in a manner that made me upset. So I texted him “Bye”. He got angry and replied “Ill tell you what I always tell everyone else. Goodbye means forever, this was YOUR move, goodbye” And i texted him back that i didnt mean forever, and he kept calling me these..names.. and saying he didnt care anymore. And thats where I told him “Fine ill just spend my new years cutting, jerk!” and I regret saying it, and doing it. Then he texted back saying “Lol and Ill spend mine deleting you and blocking you. Kbaii” and that hurt me, it did. Hes good friends with my best friend, Braden, they had so much in common. And the night of New years, I was telling braden everything. How i felt. How i couldnt handle it anymore. How I caused myself physical harm. And Braden told Andrew. And Andrews reply was “Tell her i still love her. And when I get angry i need my space. She should know that”. He called me later that day, at 11:00 PM, and I went into the bathroom to hear him better. The first sentences that came out of his mouth “WHYD YOU DO THAT” i began crying before i could reply. My friend grabbed my phone and yelled at him and hung up. That angered him… I called him back and Andrew and I argued back and fourth, he stated I shouldve known from all the times he left he wouldnt leave “permanately”, and I fought back with “And you should know when youre telling me youre done with me, Im GOING to react this way! Youre telling me youre leaving me when i want oyu the most.. neede you the most. You always leave me!” and after that, we both calmed down. But i knew I was tired. And i suppose my friends got ot me… Braden ADORES Andrew, but even he said I shouldnt be through this. Love can hurt, but was this really love? they all asked. I sent a text to Andrew telling him how i really felt, and I just needed to be friends, we both needed it, we both got hurt too often, we needed a breather. He responded “Goodbye”. and when I tried talking to him a week later… he yelled at me saying he should be ignoring me, and told Braden “Why does Naly keep trying to talk to me? She shouldnt like me anyways”.
And that was it. No closure. :P All in all, this was one of my most hurtful, yet the relationship I learned the most from.
I asked for your advice on the whole not considering my ex boyfriend an actual boyfriend? :) I feel like I rushed into things. If we knew each other better before we started dating, things would of gone better. He was one of the "popular" guys too. Probably another reason why it didn't go well because all of the popular guys seem a little more obnoxious than the regular guys :I I just wanted my first relationship to be special and great! Far from that, haha xox :3 <3
:) Theres a good chance getting to know one another would’ve made your relationship a lot better, but it was your first, and I can say I was rather excited to have my first boyfriend as well :P. From dating a popular guy from experience, I knew the feeling of them compared to the “regular” guys. Hahah, I never felt like we were a “couple” more like a “thing”. Kind of like those awkward “Hey i know her, im interested in her, oh look my friends, Im gonna go now” :P.
How I see it, is you can count him as a boyfriend. From reading what you’ve sent me, you’ve said things like “If we talked more” ”If we got to know each other more” it looks like to me you’ve gained experience from that relationship, whether it was good or bad. You learned what to do next in a relationship, and what not to. And I think thats probably the most important part of a relationship :) Every person wants their first anything to be memorable, special, spectacular, but in the end they’re all just learning experiences we’ll always look back to! :)
A lot of my followers are messaging me about loved ones, and passed lovers. And I just wanted to share something with all of you.
I think most of my followers know about Andrew. If not, he’s what had me on the tips of my toes, someone who strung me closely, though not closely for he was so far away. He was the one who could make me cry the hardest, yet have me love him with every inch of sanity I had left, every inch of hope he’d still love me, wait for me. Wait until we could see one another. We had a long distance relationship, he lives in California, while Im rotating back and fourth between Washington and Oregon. He was the one who made me fall in love and believe it could be there, without the touch, without the dates, it was our words that brought us together. The hope we shared, the pain we both went through. Our relationship.. was almost like a movie. Except in the end we did not end up with each other. While age and distant played a big part with us, we never let our “Friends” opinions phase us. We stayed up late, telling each other we loved each other. Arguing, smiles. We would webcam every night, with missing just one cam session we’d feel empty. Id feel empty. I remember the time he’d tell me he loved me, but I refused to tell him I loved him. For it scared me. Loving someone so far, but that feeling, what was that hope that he gave me I could be with someone, though it seemed so far to be able to have him? I remember this like it was yesterday..within months, weeks passed. I told him I loved him back, the day he had somewhere to go with his friends. He got off webcam, and then came rushing back within an hour. Telling me “I couldn’t stay for long, after you telling me you loved me back I had to come back to you.” Love brought us together, love gave us the hope we were made for each other. Love made us angry.. Love hurt us. Physically draining, emotionally and mentally draining us, all in one combo. When we got into fights, he’d sing to me. He’d sing me till I couldn’t cry anymore, he’d sing to me until I was sleepy. We slept on webcam together. And the songs he’d sing me were from GO RADIO. I remember all the times so well, I remember him calling me beautiful, remember him crying, remember his guitar, remember the song he wrote me, remember the worst times, and the good times. Remember how we met. Remember smiling stupidly at my phone, in the darkness. Remember him calling me before work right outside to tell me he loved me, miss our late night conversations, and that he’d came me after work. I remember how pale white his face would be after coming back from work. I remember it all. I remember so many things. So many things that i wish i could have back..
And heres the reason I love Go Radio. Go Radio gives me the sense he’s still mine, hes still here, hes still singing me calmly to sleep, hes still texting me the reasons why he loves me, that hes still holding on to the hope that we’d finally gather the money to see each other. Go Radio brings me the sense hes still here. Though hes not..and he wont ever be back. We both grew out of each other. That hope.. we failed to keep it going. One of us stopped, so the other did too. Not friends. Not companions. Strangers. Like we can’t comprehend any of us exist. Empty. That hole won’t be filled. Sure, another guy, another girl into his life, we think its fixed? Love won’t ever be the same with a different person, and you have to except that.. I had to except it. He promised to move to Washington for me. He promised to come to school here.
Go Radio means so much to me.. because of him. Because of the love we shared. And because of him I love Go Radio to my fullest extent. Every song reminds me of his voice. It brings me back to our memories I cherish so much. Love letters burnt… and I regret it. I loved him, and I cant have him. Go Radio gives me the satisfaction of being in love again. Go Radio gives me the sense that in time, soon, I’ll be able to see Andrew and tell him I love him, how I miss him, and i hope hes doing better.
And because of that, BECAUSE OF HIM, I have to tell Go Radio my thanks. My thanks in letting me love someone who isn’t mine to love, for giving Andrew a way to tell me he loved me in song, to lift our burdens for the 3-2 minutes of every song, and bring us closer together.
<3 Love is not the people in it. Love is the will and hope that strings them together. The passions they share, the burdens they both carry, not separately but AS ONE, together. :) And I do wish I could talk to Andrew again, but I know that I can’t, and he wont want that. And I should be over it as everyone states, but as much as I can easily stop talking about him, its harder to let go of something, someone who was once everything youve ever wanted, something/someone you never saw yourself without, but within a few seconds you found yourself alone. Im a writer, I’m a poet, because of the adventures my heart takes me constantly.